Enough tears to kill the entire ocean.

If someone asked me to describe how I felt during the autumn and winter of 2020 when I was at my lowest. When I was really struggling mentally, I am not entirely sure I could place those emotions into words. I am unsure that any collection of syllables could represent the darkness my brain constantly waded through. It was the kind of darkness that the light at the end of the tunnel seemed like a joke, seemed impossible, totally unreachable. The kind of darkness that you wonder how long you can stomach it. How long can you survive with the lights turned off? The best way I could describe the feelings I felt. Is imagine having a heavy enormous dark cloud over your head which is constantly gushing rain. No matter how many tears I shed I always felt weighed down. I always had that stomach-sinking feeling that something awful was about to happen. My body was on constant alert for the worst possible scenario to unfold. My body seemed to be on defence mode, on patrol for anything. Whilst my mind was frozen. My mind struggled to understand what was happening in the bustling world to which surrounded me, That is the best I could do to describe the feelings I felt when I was traumatized. It was like living in the dark for 1 year whilst everyone else seemed to have their lights switched on to the maximum.

But then you heal fully and become the higher version of yourself you always dreamed of. I remember the previous version of myself, I remember that naive, weak, sensitive, scared, pure-hearted girl - she is celebrating now. She is grateful for this lesson. Maybe I was meant to be hurt. Maybe I was meant to sit with my pain for a while. It wasn't for punishment. It was so I could finally lose the old version of me that thinks the bare minimum is effort. I needed something to shake me. Without it, I wouldn't be able to move on to everything I have been asking for.

It is completely okay randomly wanting to cry because you are healed but still get flashbacks from your past and knowing it will always be in the back of your head no matter what you do - it takes time, let the feelings fed away. Look out of the window and breath. There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world because you realize there's so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.

GO LITTLE ROCKSTARS <3