Pills I need to swallow

Now the most painful part

After my biggest trauma

Is not what it used to be.

Now there are two

Even harder pills to swallow:

There is a part of me

Which left on the other side and

Never coming back.

This poem is a letter to myself.

Dear naivety,

Dear childishness,

Dear recklessness and my pure positivity, 

Dear innocence, 

Dear my wide open heart to everything and everyone,

Dear me,

Like a bike without brakes,

Without awareness, without fear, trust issues and doubts,

Dear Emilija,

Who allowed it to be so extreme

So intense,

Goodbye.

(Your sincerely,

Me.)

It is very hard to accept,

Because

I love myself to death,

And it deeply saddens me

Knowing that

She is a lost part of me.

I don't cry or feel sorry

For my present self anymore,

My tears are only for my past self -

Cause I know that

That 19 year old girl,

Did nothing

To deserve

Going through hell and back.

I have a heavy lump inside

Because of the time - that has passed

And didn't leave a chance

To take care of her.

I feel like I was responsible for her

But I wasn't there.

And thats another hard pill to swallow.