Stillness.

10 december 2022

There is something about waking up after the party

after drinking so much and getting shit faced.

i realised so clearly-

this doesn’t serve me anymore.

but this time this is not “I will never drink again!” hangover thing,

this time its an admission.

an acknowledgment

that partying drains my energy. 

it makes my soul dirty

so the first thing in the morning I do is

shower, dish washing and room cleaning.

I believe that in this way I am washing yesterday’s dirt and shame away.

The second thing I do is meditation, journaling and drinking tea,

because I want to try again. 

I want to try using my energy as an indicator, what is good for me and what is not, again.

because the next morning after drinking

I know that I failed.

My soul is craving nature, hikes, trips,

deep late night conversations, 

it is craving healing, growing, self-analysis.

Instead of empty partying, drinking and using drugs

My soul prefers cozy dinner with someone when it snows outside the window,

Doing something creative or just a casual walk around the city.

Maybe the partying was what I wanted,

but I am changing. And growing. 

And I knew that. I always did - 

Getting ready and leaving the house hasn't felt right for a long time. 

Even the friends I have now, aren’t the ones I need at this time…

It is time for me to hibernate. 

Hoping that someday it will pay off

And new people will align so well with who I want to be,

And maybe only then the idea of socializing no longer will drain my spirit, 

but will make me excited.

I remember myself, 2 years ago, saying that

“I’ve been practicing stillness.

It is such a stranger to me.

I am always stirring, swaying, shaking, speaking.

If I am water - I am river,

Couldn’t dream of lakehood.

But God,

What I would give

To freeze over,

For just one quiet winter

Below the ice”

Well… Watch out your words, Emilija.

I am becoming a lakehood

I am starting to freeze over below the ice.

And for some reason it was hard to accept.

I thought that it will pass away. 

“Maybe that symptoms of depression, or maybe I just simply burned-out”.

But now I understand that this is the same Emilija, but this time

it’s not Emilija in chaos, it’s Emilija in stilness.

Its 12:21, sun shines through my window,

I can hear birds chirping

I lie in bed with thicker socks and

Oh God,

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I found peace and comfort in solitude

and I don’t feel that I need people anymore.

I don’t talk much with my colleagues at work,

I don’t hang-out with friends that much,

I don’t have enough energy for socializing.

Maybe its not entirely a good thing,

But I feel like its my journey of self exploration.

I feel so peaceful in my own company now.

I talk with my psychologist weekly,

I work, I dance, I write, I sleep, I meditate.

I am just living in my small world-

Doing my own small things. 

And it feels like I am protecting my spirit.

Call it how you want - 

But I like to call it self-love 

and reconnecting with myself.

I can not wait till I finish university,

I want to move from the England

And explore the world.

I want to volunteer in South America,

I want to visit India, mountains,

Spiritual retreats and camps,

I want to fall in love with cooking and live a holistic lifestyle.

I want to find nirvana within myself.

My soul knos what is best for me,

So I feel like thats not my place to be.

And I feel like I need to keep Vaiva in my life.

I need to keep Ignas, Edgaras and Eglė because they are truly good people and have big hearts.

I need to keep Aistė, Valerija and some more people but never forget that

my sister is my number one. 

I have such a strong feeling that very high highs are awaiting for me,

and very curvy but interesting journey is ahead.

The world is way too big and too magical

And I feel the calling. 

With every day its stronger and louder-

Feels like I am an Earth’s favorite daughter.

This is how I feel lately.