BLOOMING FLOWERS.

This post will be a bit long. I can talk for hours and hours about this topic because it is so so hard to get out of this situation and I will explain WHY. It takes so long just to realize so many things. My heart breaks for everyone, who went through the same thing. My heart breaks for everyone, who will.

I’m not trying to blame anyone, with this article I want to SPREAD AWARENESS and help people who go through the same.

I wrote you all this stuff because, at that time when I was going through the same shit and suffering, I really wanted someone to tell me that.

Betrayal was the hardest thing I had to go through in my life. Never before have I had the deal with such soul-destroying and dissolving pain. I could never have imagined that the world and people could be so cruel and ruthless. For a very long time, I felt sorry for myself, remembering moments over and over again, constantly asking heaven’s answers for what?

In my first relationship, I was so naive and childish - I gave everything that I had, I 100% believed that THIS was real love that will last forever. I could not imagine living without that person. But at the same time, it had very very low lows, and that relationship was insanely sick: I experienced emotional, and verbal abuse, even physical abuse, a pack of lies, constant manipulation, threats, insults, and months of cheating and so much more. I was completely trapped.

The first 9 months after I found out that I had been betrayed for a very long time - I destroyed myself. I didn’t know how to deal with such severe pain. The thing that I regret the most is that I didn’t talk to anyone during that period, I didn’t seek help. Please, if you are suffering - talk to people, and let them know what's happening.

1.5 years have passed since I found out about long-term betrayal. I am still healing and I believe that I will need way more time to bloom BUT if only I could turn back time, I would do a few things differently. Healing is a really long and hard journey. I could share some tips and thoughts on what I did and maybe it will be useful for someone. Remember, everyone has their own timing and journey. Moreover, my words won't affect you - if you are not ready to move on. You need to make a choice for yourself.

Looking back I went so far! I have meditated a lot, read countless articles, reviewed countless videos, and tried various healing techniques, and practices, I listened to podcasts, pursued hobbies, went for walks, traveled, talked to people, and friends, helped others, and started journaling. And I want to share the best experience that has helped me the most.

I can help you if you really want to but first of all, you need to accept that person wasn't the one. Truly accept it in your heart. I know you had a lot of plans, and dreams, I know that you planned a future together, that person was your best friend, mom, sister/brother, that person was your home, and everything that you had BUT know you need to understand that it was YOUR love that made it special, it was your effort. It is you baby.

1. A karmic relationship is a passionate relationship that is full of turbulence. Karmic relationships are related to karma in a sense because they are thought of as relationships that we need in our lives in order to grow. These relationships test us and our understanding of love and relationships.

THE UNIVERSE GIVES US KARMIC RELATIONSHIPS JUST TO HELP US TO LEARN AND GROW.

Or you can ignore it - go to other relationships straight and carry unhealed traumas and wounds and that will create the same never-ending circle.

2. Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. The bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. After each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, and otherwise tries to make the relationship feel safe and needed for the abused person.

Trauma bonding is one reason that leaving an abusive situation can feel confusing and overwhelming. It involves positive and/or loving feelings for an abuser, making the abused person feel attached to and dependent on their abuser.

The trauma bond relationship occurs when a person gives you what you didn’t get as a child. For example, you experienced emotional, or psychological neglect, or not enough love from your father or mother, not enough attention, or maybe you experienced a constant needing for validation. I really recommend starting digging in your roots, and your childhood because you can not start working on yourself without knowing the source of the problem.

Full detachment can be possible only after healing your wounds NOW.

Why do you miss your relationship with someone who was toxic, dysfunctional, and caused you pain? The highs and lows have caused a dopamine addiction similar to substance users. Your body is telling you to go back to them to get that dopamine back to those addictively pleasing levels. "Euphoric recall" is a withdrawal symptom. It is tricking you into thinking it was better than it really was for the both of you.

You do not miss this person because they are amazing and awesome, it is actually your brain going through withdrawal symptoms of that person. It creates circles of dopamine rises and falls. And when it rises it feels so good - and your brain became addicted to it. And because your brain associates it with THAT specific person - you think that THAT'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GIVE YOU THIS. It is literally physical, mental, and psychological pain. The bad news is that you experiencing something called EUPHORIA RECALL. it is a common thing for people who are addicted to substances - you are focusing only on the good memories, justifying really bad ones. This person makes you feel that there is a connection, they are not letting you live your life, and IF YOU ARE STILL THINKING THAT THIS IS LOVE - YOU ARE LIVING IN A STATE IN DELUSION. But the good news - is you can let your brain to experience DETOX. Being sad and crying is a detox. The pain you experiencing is temporary. Don't hide behind drinking, smoking, and other relationships - just go through it.

I thought we were soulmates but now I know that she was a narcissist and it was a karmic relationship to trigger my wounds and show them to me.

3. Stockholm syndrome is a coping mechanism for a captive or abusive situation. People develop positive feelings toward their captors or abusers over time.

After learning a lot about relationships, and what issues you experienced as a child, learning about karmic relationships, trauma-bonding, meditation, being in the present, and paying more attention to your inner child, soul, breathing, and presence, you will find your inner peace again. I realized that I often sabotage and gaslight myself. I learned what is love and what is not, what to avoid, and what to do differently next time.

REALLY RECOMMEND MEDITATION

Please, try to meditate (youtube: guided meditation how to let go or guided meditation: heal after cheating or guided meditation for positive energy or guided meditation for detachment and so on). There are meditations for everything: anxiety, insomnia, overthinking and etc.

So many people think that meditation supposes to stop your thoughts. They say “ I can't meditate because I think about so many things, I can't stop thinking”. No.

The purpose of the whole meditation is to be an observer of your thoughts. Not stick with them. It is normal to think - millions of thoughts will cross your mind over and over again. It will come and go but every time you start thinking about something - meditation teaches you to go back to your breathing. And breathing is present. As soon as you start overthinking again - go back to your breathing. And its never-ending circle, forward and back. after a month of practicing you will notice that you don't need to try focusing on your breath anymore, it becomes easier, which means you mastered meditation.

Start learning how to watch your thoughts, smile, and let them go. Because you and your thoughts are two different materials. Meditation helps to separate them. to be aware of your thoughts. to relax and be in the present.

Every morning and before going to sleep - at least 10 minutes. Be patient, and I promise you it will help you to find peace with yourself and calm your mind.

YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE WHERE YOUR FEET ARE. YOUR MIND HAS TI CATCH UP WITH YOUR BODY THAT'S ALREADY LIVING IN THE PRESENT.

LISTEN TO PODCASTS

I WISH STARTED IT EARLIER. IT'S SO POWERFUL. I want to recommend one podcast.

https://open.spotify.com/show/6kyy3Dh7nU2TNADZ8L7Ozy?si=UCsEhNF7SeGlVNpJuqfLnQ

I’m very happy that the recordings are short, 6 to 16 minutes, because I’m usually very lazy to listen to an hour-long podcast. And this woman says everything so directly, so straightforward, with sarcasm and ridicule of the situation. It’s the best podcast I’ve ever discovered, and I only discovered it recently. If I had started listening to podcasts from the beginning, I strongly believe that I would have recovered faster. I am trying to listen to it every day and IT HELPS ME MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

4. PLEASE PLEASE never NEVER go back to her/him after cheating. NEVER FORGIVE HER / HIM

Trust me, it's impossible to live like that, it's impossible to truly forgive and forget. every day I kept reminding her about what she did. I regret this soooo much. I had no respect for myself and I didn't have any boundaries. You need to understand that cheating IS A CHOICE. And she/he chose to do that. They weren't the right person if she/he did that. If you go back to that person - I'm warning you, she/he will do the same. The whole relationship will be toxic like always and it will create a NEVER ENDING CIRCLE.

I completely understand you will want to go back 100 times, but just be patient and wait, you need to pass this time.

5. YOU DO NOT NEED CLOSURE

After the cheating, I was asking the same question: for what, what did I do to deserve that. But you need to realize that there will be no answer. Just shit happens. Shit happens in life. What I’ve learned is that at the end of the day, whether you get closure or not, it doesn’t change the situation or the outcome of it.  Sometimes things just happen. People leave without an explanation. And it hurts like hell. It’s wildly confusing. But, the only thing you can really do is take everything you learned from the situation, grow from it, and leave the rest where it belongs, in the past. Because at the end of the day, closure isn’t something that we need, it’s something we think that we need. Just, please promise me that you won’t let yourself become so obsessed with the idea of getting closure that you don’t allow yourself to move forward.

Just experience life. As you experience happiness, the same way you experience suffering. I know that it's hard to believe these words and think critically because you are on your feelings but trust me, that was your sign to heal, focus on yourself and be even a better and stronger version of yourself. Sometimes the universe sends us very hurtful lessons, and the wrong people TO TRIGGER YOU. YOUR UNHEALED WOUNDS. THAT IS A TRIGGER TO YOUR BIGGEST TRANSFORMATION! At the end of the day, believe me, there will be a door to your higher self world. If you work hard on yourself.

It's a sign from the universe that you forgot yourself. You forgot your inner child and that NOW is the best time for you to grow, okay?

6. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID AND DO NOT COMPARE PAIN AND HEALING TIME WITH OTHERS

This is what I did wrong. I used to think:

" Stop, Emilija, some people cheat on their partners after 5 years, after 10 years, 15 years, 20, 30, even 40 years of being together. People cheat when they have A BABY together. When they are married. when they have a house. My teen love seems so small and not that important"

or "Thank god it's only 2 years, it is nothing, imagine being cheated on after 15 years of being together"

Your feelings are valid. It is important to remember that hurt is hurt. Comparing your pain to someone else who seems to be suffering more only serves to minimize what you are feeling ONLY FOR THAT MOMENT.

And do not compare healing time - everyone has their own timing and journey. The universe is doing it NOT against you, the universe did it FOR YOU. Maybe you were meant to be hurt. Maybe you were meant to sit with my pain for a while. It wasn’t for punishment. It was so you could finally lose the old version of yourself that thinks the bare minimum is effort. You needed something to shake me. Without it, you wouldn’t be able to move on to everything you have been asking for.

7. SEE HUMANS AS YOU SEE TREES. ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE.

Being not able to forgive can be very traumatic. Remember, that every single human is doing the best that they can with the level of consciousness they are at.

Everyone has their own shit they have gone through. Everybody has traumas. It is very hard to be in a physical form. It is not easy to be here. You can’t be in a physical form without trauma. It is impossible. This person did that because of her/his own trauma. If that person did this to you, maybe it means she/he is insecure or maybe she/he can't find happiness anywhere, maybe they feel lonely or they need to fill the void they have inside of them. BUT THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE OR CHEATING. That is his/her problem, not yours. now that person will need to live knowing that she/he is a piece of shit.

And when you understand that, that that person is even in deeper shit, with no values and morals, you don't play the blame game anymore.

See humans as you do trees... Accept them the way that they are. ACCEPTANCE = FREEDOM.

REMEMBER: How people treat you is a reflection of THEM. How you react is a reflection of your self-awareness.

and REMEMBER THIS: (WRITE ON YOUR WALL!!!!): holding anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

8. DON'T FALL INTO THAT ILLUSION "I WILL NEVER MEET SOMEONE ELSE! I WILL NEVER MEET SOMEONE LIKE THAT PERSON!"

For me, acceptance was the hardest thing. Acceptance that I won't experience the same exact love from anyone else ever again. I know when you fall in love for the first time, your love is limitless, you are not scared, the first love is the purest, so innocent, without fear and trust issues. It is like the whitest, paper-thin, and lightest curtains. When you fall in love for the first time, you are not traumatized, you are not scared, and you don't tend to close your heart, you let it be intense. And I know that things like heating, manipulating, and physical and emotional abuse, destroy your all perception of love forever, and I won't be able to love like the first time, because I will be scared.

But older people than me and you, who experienced life much longer and deeper, they say that one day, you, carrying your dead heart, will meet a person and your love will become alive again.

9. SEEK FOR HELP

Maybe you think that no one will understand you, your suffering and experience are different, is unique, and NO ONE in this world is going through the same events, it's so much deeper and stronger than someone else's but in reality, so many people go through really similar things, or they experience similar patterns, they have helpful practices and advice. Maybe it is not completely the same, because everyone feels emotions in different ways and levels, but trust me, some things are repeating themselves and I think it's really worth it to listen to what other have to say.

IT REALLY HELPS KNOWING THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

Go to a therapist or psychologist. If you do not have money, I went to a university psychologist and that was for free. It helped me.

10. DISTRACTIONS HELP YOU ONLY IN THAT MOMENT BUT FROM NOW ON YOU NEED TO SEEK LONG-TERM HAPPINESS INSTEAD OF SHORT-TERM HAPPINESS.

11. WRITE ALL POWERFUL QUOTES DOWN AND STICK THEM ON THE WALL!

You know when one day you seem to understand everything and another day - you forget everything and nothing changes? I AM TELLING YOU. you will forget and you will be in the loop again and again. you need to be reminded about it EVERY day.

12. LISTEN TO HAPPY SONGS. WHICH BOOSTS YOUR CONFIDENCE AND POSITIVITY.

It really helps to go through the day with positivity, energy and high vibrations.

13. GO FOR WALKS, GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

14. START EXERCISING

I swear you will be surprised that it helps SO MUCH. At least 10 minutes, every morning, in your room. You do not need to work out - just stretch your all muscles, maybe do some squats or other light exercises. You will see how it improves your mood and the whole day. No need to force yourself too much.

15. PURSUE YOUR HOBBIES, AND DO WHAT YOUR HEART LOVES TO DO. START ENJOYING YOUR OWN COMPANY.

I promise you, every small step counts. At the end of the day, for the next relationship, you will learn that no one will have that much power over you again, next time DON’T BE SO NAIVE! Don't trust words so blindly. Trust yourself, trust your gut feeling, and have self-respect, next time you will spot red flags easier.

Remember that the first step is YOUR MIND, YOUR THOUGHTS - MEDITATE, CALM YOUR MIND, BE STILL AND BE IN THE PRESENT.

From my experience, healing stages were as follows:

- biggest sadness and suffering (~5-6 months)

- then you stop feeling sad, you start feeling angriness in your blood because you feel like you didn't deserve that and you realize how bad she/he fucked you up (~3 months)

- and after angriness goes - acceptance. it's a relief ladies. Acceptance from the bottom of your heart that this wasn't the right person FOR YOU. You let go of all plans, promises, and hopes, you let go of the illusion you lived in for so long and you understand that you were fooling yourself all this time.

- after acceptance goes GROWTH. You start noticing what lessons you learned, you start dreaming about your future more, doing your hobbies, you start being excited about your trips with friends, enjoying books, nature, and movies, and you start noticing that there is sooo much in this world, you start enjoying new connections, new places, new songs, you are absolutely different person: smarter and even more motivated to live a life for yourself.

I would say I am in the last stage when I GROW. And it took me 1.5 years.

Sooner or later every stage will come, but it's your responsibility, will you do that very slowly or faster as you can?

And do not forget to feel everything out. Cry as much as you need. That's a very healthy way how to cope with suffering and grieving. Please, don't suppress your feelings. It will explode eventually. It is like a sink tube. If you plug both ends, emotions, like water, accumulate more and more, until everything explodes at once. And then RIP your mental health.

But I promise you, prrooomisseee you, I know it seems that it will never get better but IT WILL. If I got better one day (even tho it took ages), you will get better too. One day you will accept everything that happened, you won't be sad, or angry, you won't be heartbroken anymore, and you will live your life as you lived before meeting her. Soooo many years you were doing good without her before meeting her, right? So you will feel the same like nothing is missing. Like you being you, alone - is enough. 

When you think about it, you are soooo young, you have your whole life waiting for you, there are sooo many beautiful people to meet, so many amazing places to visit, and so many moments and connections to create.

Remember that healing is not linear. There will be a lot of downs and ups for too long until you will find peace within yourself. It is completely okay randomly wanting to cry because you are healed but still get flashbacks from your past and knowing it will always be in the back of your head no matter what you do – it takes time, let the feelings fade away. Look out of the window and breath. There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world because you realize there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.

But then you heal fully and become the higher version of yourself you always dreamed of. I remember the previous version of myself, I remember that naive, weak, sensitive, scared, pure-hearted girl – she is celebrating now. She is grateful for this lesson. Maybe I was meant to be hurt. Maybe I was meant to sit with my pain for a while. It wasn’t for punishment. It was so I could finally lose the old version of me that thinks the bare minimum is effort. I needed something to shake me. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to move on to everything I have been asking for.

And please don't think that you are grateful to her/him, NO, YOU ARE GRATEFUL TO YOURSELF. You did all the work.

IF A FLOWER DOESN'T BLOOM, DO YOU BLAME THE FLOWER, OR DO YOU BLAME ITS ENVIRONMENT? IMAGINE THIS PLANT DIDN'T BLOOM, ARE YOU GOING TO BLAME THE PLANT AND CHECK THE PLANT, OR ARE YOU GOING TO CHECK THE SOIL, THE LIGHT, THE AIR AROUND IT, THE HUMIDITY? BECAUSE THAT'S THE REASON WHY THE PLANT GROWS RIGHT. SO WE ARE THE FLOWER. BUT IF WE ARE NOT GROWING, OR WE ARE NOT SPROUTING OR BLOOMING THE RIGHT WAY, WHAT IS YOUR ENVIRONMENT? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? WHAT INSTAGRAM ARE YOU SCROLLING? WHAT THINGS ARE YOUR MIND FILLED WITH?

Pay attention to what you read, what you eat, who you talk with - because this is who you are.

AND THE LAST PIECE OF ADVICE FROM ME:

RE-READ my advice again and again. You know when one day you seem to understand everything and another day - you forget everything and nothing changes? I AM TELLING YOU. you will forget and you will be in the loop again and again. you need to be reminded about everything, EVERY fucking day.